The Ghost of You. Royai Oneshot.

The Ghost of You.
-HarbingerOfChaos


Riza Hawkeye woke up with tears in her eyes. Today was the day, she could feel it in her chest. September 7th. A year ago today, her life had died.

It hadn't felt like it'd been a year already, time had gone by too fast... and yet there she was, standing next to the grave she'd neglected for the past 12 months. One she wished she'd never have to see again. Somehow she'd thought that--hoped that-- she wouldn't ever have to return. That she would have died before a year had passed. Died and joined him. After all, how was one supposed to keep on living when the love of their life had been taken from them?

She smiled sadly, it sounded so childish. "The love of her life". Despite that, it was true.

Only a few minutes had passed until Riza heard the familiar footsteps of her comrade, Jean Havoc, behind her. She could smell the smoke from his cigarette and decided against asking him for one. After all, what would Roy think?

Neither of them spoke as Havoc leaned down to rest the flowers on the grave next to the roses Riza had brought, and the silence continued for at least a minute before Havoc asked, "Are you doing alright?" He regretted it instantly as she tilted her head slightly to look at him. There were no words to describe the look on her face. 'What a stupid question', he thought, 'she's a mess...'

She opened her mouth to speak but was silent, instead she just looked down as tears filled her eyes.

Havoc began apologizing but she only shook her head, "I... I didn't protect him, Jean." She mumbled, "I... And now he's... he's..." She bit her lip and stared at the grave of her superior. She hadn't cried a year ago, she couldn't cry now. Not here, not with Jean Havoc right next to her. What was wrong with her? She was so weak...

Havoc must have sensed her inner turmoil because he put his hand on her shoulder, "Hawkeye... don't--"

"I need to go..." She muttered, pushing past him, almost running to her car.

Havoc watched her go and sighed, he was so useless in situations like this. But he had never seen her in such a state, that wasn't the Hawkeye he'd grown accustomed to. She was not the strong woman he admired today--not that he'd ever tell her that. Though, he probably should have realized something was wrong when he approached. She was standing there, hair hanging loosely over her hunched shoulders, body shaking ever so slightly as if she were crying. And she wasn't in uniform either.

And the look in her eyes...

Havoc shook his head and took a drag off his cigarette. Part of him wanted to chase after her, make sure she was okay. He felt a tight tugging sensation in his chest, telling him he had to comfort her. He looked back at the grave and sighed again. 'It isn't your fault, Riza. It's not your fault Roy Mustang is dead.'

And so he waited. He knew she'd be back eventually, once she thought she'd composed herself enough. She'd come back and when she did, he'd be there. She didn't really know, but he'd always been there. And he planned on being there for her forever. He wasn't sure exactly what he'd say to her, nothing would ease her guilty conscience. Not even the truth that Roy Mustang had sacrificed himself in order to save Havoc and the others.

Jean Havoc lit another cigarette in the hopes to drown the guilt he felt rising up in his stomach. Whether it was because he and the others let Mustang do it, or that their decision stole The Flame Alchemist away from Riza, he wasn't sure.


Riza took a deep breath, but no air entered her lungs. Instead she heard herself choking- sobbing now. 'My fault... my fault. My fault. My fault...' she repeated to herself over and over. How had a year gone by so quickly? How... how was it possible? How in the hell could her life have actually moved on without him by her side?

She leaned her head against the steering wheel and continued to sob.

Time should have stopped after he was gone. The moment his heart stopped, hers should have too.

At first, time had went by slowly, every day without him was too long. But somewhere along the way, her time decided to speed up and catch up with the rest of the world. And then suddenly... it had been a year. It wasn't fair.

' Why?! Why wasn't I there? I should have been there!' She screamed it to herself again and again, making sure she felt every ounce of guilt possible. Because it was her fault. It was her fault he was dead. She'd sworn to protect him... and she'd failed. 'Useless, pathedic crybaby!' She thought as another wave of sobs tore through her. "What good am I...?" She whispered to herself.

About an hour later, Havoc heard Riza's footsteps making their way down the stone path, "A year..." She mumbled, "A year... A year..." When she reached the grave, she ignored Havoc, her eyes were glued to the tombstone as she sank to her knees in front of it. "You... you weren't supposed to die...!" She screamed, her voice muffled by her fist. Havoc hesitated when he approached her, surely she wouldn't want him to see her like this. And he sure as hell didn't want to see her this way. He was certain this would replay over and over in his dreams the way that the night a year ago still did...


~~"Riza..." Havoc breathed, his eyes red and bloodshot.

"L-Lieutenant Havoc?" Riza asked, not bothering to hide the shock on her face. She looked at the clock, 03:12 in the morning. Certainly he had an important reason for waking her up at such a late hour. "Come in." She stepped aside but he only stood in the doorway shaking his head.

"I... I wanted to be the one to tell you." He started, "It's Mustang, he..."

She raised her eyebrow, "What about Roy?" She asked, "What happened?" She stood there, waiting for the punchline, waiting for her comrade's face to light up and grin and then for him to laugh and say 'Gotcha!' But it never came. "Havoc!"

"He..." Havoc tried again. "He didn't..."

Realization dawned on her then. "Havoc..." She whispered. "What... happened..."

It was no longer a question.

"Roy is... Roy didn't make it."

She shook her head, certain she'd misheard him, "What?"

"Roy's dead, Riza..."

"No." She said quickly, eyes wide. "No he... there's got to be some sort of mistake, he can't be... he's not..." She shook her head.

"I... I saw it, Riza. He's gone... I'm sorry." Havoc was the one shaking his head now. He could feel his eyes stinging, as if it hadn't felt real until he'd said it aloud.

"It's a mistake." She finally said.

"No."

No? "Roy... Roy's dead?" She choked, her eyes vacant.

Havoc only nodded that time, he didn't want to say the words again.

Riza didn't speak for a few moments, just stood there, mouth half open, staring at him--no, through him. "Thank you... Lieutenant Havoc..." She murmured, closing the door slowly, locking it, and then reutrning to her bed.~~


Havoc slowly joined Riza on the ground, putting a hand gently on her shoulder.

"I... I..." Riza searched for the right words to say, but there were none.

"Hawkeye?" Havoc asked quietly.

Riza tried composing herself in an effort to respond but was unsuccessful and said nothing.

"It's not your fault." He murmured, staring at the tombstone in front of them. All he wanted was for her to stop hurting so that maybe he could stop feeling selfish with every breath he took. He shouldn't have let Roy do what he did, even if it meant they all died that day.

And then suddenly a dark laugh escaped her lips, making Havoc stop and look down at her pained face. Then she laughed again, more hysterically than before, until it slowly turned back into soft sobs once again. It dawned on Havoc at that very moment; There must have been more to the Colonel and Hawkeye than they ever let on. Of course, everyone had been suspicious of it, but it hadn't been confirmed until that very moment. Havoc suddenly felt so stupid-- of course Mustang and Hawkeye had been together. The bond that they shared had to have been deeper than simply superior and subordinate. "It's my fault, Riza."

She looked over at him, tears still falling from her eyes. But she didn't care anymore. She was tired of pretending she was okay. Now a confused looked covered the pained one, which Havoc preferred.

"I... was in trouble. We all were." He said, referring to the rest of their close military comrades. "And Mustang made the decision in an instant. He sacrificed himself to save us... even though weren't worth it. Not in comparison. Not to you or the rest of the world. And I hate myself for it-- why didn't I stop him? Why did we let him go..." He was barely talking to Riza anymore.

"Wh-why would he do that?!" She demanded. "Why would he choose to leave me here alone...?" She whispered. But she knew the answer, and she knew it was selfish to even think such a thing. She looked at Havoc and searched her brain for something to say, to make him feel guilty, so that he could feel what she felt. But when she met his eyes, she knew he already did. Perhaps felt it even more deeply than she did. Nonetheless she clenched her teeth together and slapped him across the face.

Havoc savored the feeling of the stinging on his left cheek and then silently stood up to leave. "I'm sorry." He said softly.

Riza stood too and he braced himself for another slap, but instead she crashed into him, burying her face in his uniform and wrapping her arms around his torso. Slightly embarrassed, Havoc put his arms around her and let her cry.

"I never got to tell him," Riza said softly into Havoc's coat.

"Tell him what?" Havc asked quietly.

She slowly lifted her head up to look at the gravestone, but left her arms locked tightly around her comrade. She smiled ruefully, "That I loved him."

Jean Havoc gently pulled her head back to his chest and whispered, "I'm certain that he knew."




The End.